It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
