She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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