I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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