promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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