Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
