I'm going to rape someone's good day.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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