Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
