Can Purell be used as lube?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
