You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
do herpes really smell.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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