I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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