i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
