Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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