I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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