how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
