Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Drake has all the answers
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
