I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
