Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
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We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves