Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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