How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
