Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
