you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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