So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
