My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
