It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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