I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
