my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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