i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
