New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
