eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
