i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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