Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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