pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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