Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
