All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
