remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
