i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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