Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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