Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
