He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I don't deserve a penis
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
