my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
