I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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