I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Terrible idea I love it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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