I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
