new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
