I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
