i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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