I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
