"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
