U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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