You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
