I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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