My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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