Moan for me like Helen Keller
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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