I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
