No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
