matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
