Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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