I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
