I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
